I'm such a tease

I know, I brought back the blog and don't write in it.

Pfft. I don't remember a damn thing about how I'm supposed to do this.

How's about I tell you a story from what will henceforth be known as The Missing Year.

Okay, so I was sick. And not the garden-variety type, either; the "we don't know what's wrong with you so we'll stick a camera up your ass and hope you don't remember it, then pass you off to someone else who will stick needles in your arms and take half your body's volume of blood every other week for a while before sending you somewhere else" type.

I've learned some things, things which I will now share with you in case you fall victim to some strange ailment nobody can diagnose.

1. Dogs will eat any pill.

2. You probably WON'T remember the camera up your ass.

3. You will drunk dial people from your cell phone after the procedure if left alone in the car, though.

4. You won't remember that, either, or that your husband saw pictures of your colon, a fact which won't come up in any private conversation.

5. Bottom system revelations only occur in crowds.

6. Everyone who has ever had a colonoscopy will talk about it to anyone, at any time. You think you won't ever admit to having had one, but about ten minutes after you wake up the next day you'll tell everyone about your polyp.

7. Yes, you will.

8. If during a visit to your friendly neighborhood vampire your veins begin to clench up and refuse to cooperate, laugh.

9. Laughing with a needle in your person makes blood go EVERYWHERE.

10. Schedule all your appointments with all of your doctors for the same day. If one doctor is running late, tell his staff they have to call your next doctor and apologize.

11. This makes things go faster.

12. If you have to drink a chalky liquid for any purpose, walking around makes other things go faster.

13. Always take a book and a pair of clean socks with you. You'll probably be waiting a while somewhere in some state of undress, and if you have to be entirely naked at least your feet won't be cold.

13. You don't have to be entirely naked for nearly as many procedures as you might think.

14. But you will have your period for all of them.

15. Phenergan won't make you feel any better, but it will knock you out so you really won't care that much.

16. That's true of a lot of drugs.

17. All of them legal, Dad, I swear.

What I have NOT learned is what's wrong with me, or how long I can expect to take Nexium.

Ahh, the little purple pill.

Dogs LOVE them some purple pills. Remind me to tell you a story sometime.

I'm not deathly ill or anything; in the words of my hematologist (a lovely woman, I must say), "whatever it is doesn't seem to be killing you." So there's that.

There's also WebMD, according to which I have leprosy and am going through chemotherapy for prostate cancer.

And now I have to go to my insurance company's website to see if that's covered.

You know, maybe it's all these hours in front of the computer that are making me sick.

Unless it's avian flu, which could happen because there was this cute guy I knew in college whose family lived in Vietnam and I may have accidentally made out with him at a PRSSA thing in a hotel in Kansas City...

:: wow, it's 9:22 PM
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...

You would think...

...that I would have something to say after a YEAR of shutting up, but I'm all out of practice now and don't have a damn clue what to write.

So I'm going to tell you that I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I'm still drinking coffee at 9:30pm and I'm looking at my monitor kinda...sideways. And that there's no way I'm going to make it to work on time tomorrow.

Thank you all for still being my friends; there are already more of you here than I saw at MySpace in all of my four months. (I have six friends over there total. One of them is the blackmailer who made me sign up; one is some chick I don't even know.)

I don't really get MySpace. I mean, I hear someone telling me just HOW VERY MUCH FUN it is and how she spends ALL HER FREE TIME there now, so I check her profile and find 87 FRIENDS!!!

And three sparkle-y comments.

What the hell are these people doing in there all the time? Is there some naked pinata party happening to which I remain oblivious due to my advancing age and pathological need to mother everyone? Do I need a specific tattoo to enter? A prom dress circa 2004? Magic feather? Anyone?

And thus I reveal the real reason I came back to the blog:

Somehow, there was born a force into the webworld even less intimate than the blogosphere.

At least for a woman of a certain vintage.

Who no longer bites her fingernails so they're too damn long to type on this laptop.

Hugs,
Ye Olde Juliet

PS - Oh yeah, we got a laptop! So now I can recline, irradiate my nether regions, watch Little House AND play Yahoo euchre tournaments with my brethren around the world ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Thank you, Mr. Dell.

PPS - Of COURSE I still watch The West Wing. MySpace may have killed my spirit, but it cannot destroy the pure goodness that is Josh&Donna kissing.

:: wow, it's 9:34 PM
[+] :: |
...

I realize I just started up again and this is probably a bad way to do it, but...

...how could I resist?

I am a Pointy Princess Hat. I am an innocent, and believe that everything should be provided for me. I am rather self-conscious, and rarely let my hair down, except perhaps for a handsome prince or beautiful princess. What Sort of Hat Are You?

:: wow, it's 11:53 PM
[+] :: |
...

So, who are you again?

It's been a long time, folks! At my father's urging I finally checked in with the old blog's stats tonight and found that most everyone comin' to call was looking for a Kim Locke Burger King commercial.

Apparently this seemed reason enough to resurrect my blogger window.

I'll be catching you up over the next little while, but the upshot of what you missed is:

I stopped biting my fingernails.

I feel like there should have been more to the last year, but, uh, no.

I didn't even hit any pedestrians with my car.

So, now you know why I haven't been writing.

Here's to a more productive year! I've missed you!

Love,
Juliet

:: wow, it's 9:47 PM
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...